Scarlet Dollar

Painting is about 12″X18″, acrylic on oil or acrylic masonite painted over an existing painting.


Prebreen Hester


postbreen Hester
Text on this one says ‘Hard economic times forced Hester to rent out the empty spaces of her portrait to boarders!’ As you can see Hester is in much reduced circumstances compared to her previous life.  Unfortunately, being poor is currently a sin in this society so a scarlet dollar has been affixed to her! Though Hester is trying to suck it up and be brave, she is really having trouble with the fighting couple, robot and the squalling little angel serpent baby who have moved in.  Also, I am peering in at you from a secret part of the painting to see your reaction to this art.

This is the perfect breen to squander your Christmas money on!

For sale on  EBAY.


Breenish Bling



Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to me!

This is the blingiest breen ever, a wooden fish on a wooden plaque framed by GOLD painted rope and infested with acrylic JEWELS, requiring three trips to Michaels and A.C. Moore for the fake DIAMONDS.  It took a long time to glue those little gems, but the result is well worth the effort!  This the rare one that Mrs. Breen wants to keep, and she can have it! That is, if she can come up with my $1000 asking price – I’ll give her first dibs!  The text on this 25″X10″ breenousity says ‘This art is better…because it’s expensive!’  The shark is very bright and shoots crazy sparkles as you move around it,  but the camera really can’t catch the light display, at least, not in my hands.  A little plastic deep-sea diver found on the beach is drafted onto the plaque, and I gussied him up a little with gold paint and fake emeralds.   But he is still kind of dirty and has sand stuck in his helmet. You may have originally thought the shark was smoking a cigarette, but look more closely and you’ll notice the diver’s arm is in the shark’s mouth.  The diver is bleeding fake rubies.  This is the only breen in existence that is signed with acrylic diamonds.  Nothing says elegance like a shiny, glittery breen, and since it is so expensive, you know it must be good!  I’m not putting this one up on Ebay – if you are interested in this piece shoot me an email and I’ll give you my Paypal info.

Mrs. Breen’s Valentine

As usual on Valentine’s Day, I woke up early with a start and rushed downstairs to hastily render a V-Day Breen for the Missus.  Here is the result!  The text says, ‘Please be mine, or I’ll have to kill this chicken!’ These days, I have to result to blackmail to get Mrs. Breen to acquiesce to my Valentine beggings. But since she is averse to seeing creatures harmed, I was successful in wringing the promise out of her for another year.

Disappointing Valentine

I recently received a Facebook friend request from a former HS girlfriend. I didn’t respond as Mrs. Breen would defriend me if I did! However, it made me wonder what the reaction would be if my former GF actually got a glimpse of me in my present state of decay. She’d look at me as though I had just lurched out of the pet cemetery. Well, that made me laugh, and when something makes me laugh, I paint it up and  pass on the chuckle! The text says – ‘Don’t tweet or facebook The Prince of 1974 on Valentine’s Day – he is no longer what you expect!  A friend exclaimed, when seeing this piece, “We DON”T look this old!”  I responded, “Well, you’re only as old as you feel!”

This is the largest Breen I’ve done in a long time (32″ in its longest dimension),  and is chock full of obtuse symbols! The brain is rumored to be the most sensitive erogenous zone so I made that into a big Valentine heart. Monstrous birds and bees including Horus and the dead albatross from the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner frame the prince, whose current self cowers behind the throne. In the far-off future, when this work is hanging in the MFA, people will scratch their heads over its strange symbolism and wonder what Facebook and tweeting was all about – the same way people today are confused about the odd fruit-headed people gamboling about an ancient H. Bosch painting!



To buy this painting, go HERE.

Bad Black Swan Art

Mrs. Breen and I saw Black Swan last night and there was a scene with some crazy talking art. I know how that feels!

The quality of the art was rather poor though – it was like they ran out of money when they came to this scene and asked one of the grips to quickly whip up some pained portraits. Well, when my art screams at me I give it a serious breening! Just saying.

The movie was excellent, and I highly recommend it! Here’s the trailer.

Extinct Birds


Text says ‘Extinct birds eat out of Kitty’s hand! But Audubon wants all the seed for himself!’

This is one of the few paintings I’ve assaulted that I can definitely claim as an approvement! The prebreen subject looks melancholy and very unhappy locked into this painting. However, when I turned her into a cat-woman she perked right up! Meeooww!!! She already had one impossibly enormous hand, so I thought I’d make it matched set. I also gave her a big pile of bird seed to feed any extinct birds that were hanging around my brain. Swallow Tailed Audubon, however, being extinct himself, has worked up quite an appetite and wants all the seed for himself!

To buy this painting go HERE.


Substandard Art

This one says ‘Warning! Substandard Art! This work must NOT be hung in a place of prominence!”

This is a tiny painting I’ve had kicking around the studio for a while.  It appears to have been painted in a factory churn-it-out mode for island tourists, but honestly, I really have no idea where it originally came from.  I have always been impressed by how crappy a painting this is, and, as that crappiness is the work’s strongest suit, why not brag about it! This is a quicky, cerebral breen you can pick up for next to nothing – a good one for those just starting out on an ill-advised breen collection! You can hang it in your bathroom, under the stairs, in a kitchen cabinet, the garage – some place it is not too often seen!  Also, that way you’ll never get sick of it – every time you see it it will be like a new discovery.  “Hey, I forgot about that! Ha Ha! He wrote do ‘not hang in a place of prominence!’ and I didn’t!”


Beauty Treatment


Since I’ve listed this I’ve changed it already – breened myself so to speak! As I was writing up a Twitter entry I realized what I was writing should be in the painting itself! The main text I added says – ‘Halibut Face Entices Herring To Their Doom – But Is Really A Nice Person! The other text is tiny and hardly visible. It says “This end up!” on all sides, because it does not matter which way you turn this painting, any side works! I also signed this painting on all sides so you can hang it any way you want!

A fellow artist sent her own work to me to breen, and, as usual, it took me a couple of years to get to it. And after all that waiting, this is the horror I concocted! Well, can’t say she didn’t go in with eyes open! To see Anna’s work, unmolested, go here.

The first thing I envisioned was to create a thick ring of herring running around her face. But then I was stumped. Here is where divine inspiration usually comes in to help me finish a piece, but not this time! While I was painting the herring I kept flipping the work and realized that no matter which side was facing up, it looked like its natural orientation. The face was the only thing interfering with this spin art effect. But I wanted to keep some part of the original painting, so that nixed a four mouthed cyclops. Naturally, the solution was to keep one eye and render a slightly cubist halibut face with features pointed every which way! Sometimes you just have to know when to stop!

My inability to know this point is my greatest strength and greatest weakness – that is – if you don’t count my inability to paint a cat to look like a cat.

To buy this painting, go here.

Can be placed on any side!

Fun and Games


Text on this one says ‘It’s all fun and games until the cave fish eats a mime!’ The original subject had cave fish pallor,  so I had a cave fish eat him.  Cirque Du Soliel type acrobats perform nearby.  But the show isn’t a hit as people can’t see what’s going on in the cave – it’s too dark!

This auction finishes on Christmas eve!  Buy YOURSELF a Christmas present for a change! An inoffensive breen, unless you’re a mime, in which case you are saying, “Et tu Eddie?”


No Eye-Contact With The Elevator Saviors


Text on this one says ‘Ellen avoided eye contact with the Saviors in the elevator…but she was intensely curious about how they had won their trophies!”
I didn’t like the way Ellen was sitting down in that hideous bridesmaid dress, so I stood her up, which created the illusion that her gnarly hands were sticking out.  So far so good.  She had a far-away, blank look in her eyes, the kind that you get when you are in an elevator trying to avoid eye contact with others in order to preserve your personal space. After placing her in an elevator, the only logical thing to do next was to pack the elevator full of trophy holding Jesuses.  I always felt that, instead of being hung out on a cross, Jesus should have gotten some kind award – like a Nobel Prize! One thing to note, the only hands in this painting belong to Ellen.  They are perfect in their hideousness, and I did not want to trump them with my own crude stabs at imperfection.  However, as Mrs. Breen noted, I malformed Ellen’s breasts.  As usual, this was not on purpose. I am no Vargas, that’s for sure!


To buy this Breen, go HERE.