Crabby Money

Text on this one says ‘New Depression Art Commodity!’ and ‘This art is better because it’s expensive!’ This is part of a series of New Depression Art Commodities I’ve made over the years. This particular piece was for sale in an art show at Nina’s Nook in Turners Fall, but did not sell for the outlandish price I had it listed for. However, as this is designed as money, to perhaps one day be traded for your life at a mutant manned roadblock as you try to make your way to the northlands where the government provides free healthcare, cheese and all the ice cream you can eat, I think any price is worth it, don’t you? Think of it – this 400 million year old life form evolved to the point that I would find it’s shell on the beach, pick it up and glue pieces of sparkly plastic to it in a completely arrogant attempt to improve the WORK OF GOD! And in that, I think I’ve been successful! even if my thick fingers did leave a print on a few of the jewels! Never offered for sale on Ebay before…

Starting at a penny!

horseshoecrab

Threats and Presents

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When Ann brought this home from the flea market, my first impression was that this was just an angry big eye painting – maybe a copy of a 16th or 17th century work. After awhile, it began to bug me that it was glowering at me. There is a simmering tension in the face, intensely cold, with deadpan eyes that nevertheless somehow convey anger. When you drop your gaze to the mouth, then back up to the eyes, the expression fleetingly appears to flit between seriousness and amusement, but it could just be your own mind playing tricks. Maybe he was joking after all, like the Joe Pesci character in Goodfellas, ‘you think I’m funny? I’m here to amuse you?’As you move about the room, the eyes follow, hammering you with disapproval!  This tension is palpable – a personal warning to the viewer!

So I threw a nun’s habit on him to see what he would do about it.  He tried to leap out of the painting to get at me, so I knew I was pushing his buttons! To jack the tension up even more I gave him an Uncle Sam style pointing finger and and arm cocked with a piece of flaming coal.  This effectively turned him into an avenging transvestite Christmas angel so I wrote -’ Have you been good this year?’ ‘I will only hurl this coal at your head if YOU feel you deserve it!’ This puts the ball in the viewers court and makes the painting all about them.  Makes them the decision maker.  DO you deserve to have the coal flung your way? I also wrote -‘Well do ya punk?’

I softened the edges with Christmas iconography just enough, so that you can get out of the room unscathed, that is, if you exit walking backwards with your eyes on the painting, because you know, if you take your eyes off, that cocked arm is going to let loose and it’s aim will be dead on.

Click on the link below this painting if you want to see a long-winded video deconstructing the piece.

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To buy this painting on Ebay, go HERE.
To see a long-winded video describing my thought process while painting this piece, go HERE.

Breenish Bling

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Postbreen

Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to me!

This is the blingiest breen ever, a wooden fish on a wooden plaque framed by GOLD painted rope and infested with acrylic JEWELS, requiring three trips to Michaels and A.C. Moore for the fake DIAMONDS.  It took a long time to glue those little gems, but the result is well worth the effort!  This the rare one that Mrs. Breen wants to keep, and she can have it! That is, if she can come up with my $1000 asking price – I’ll give her first dibs!  The text on this 25″X10″ breenousity says ‘This art is better…because it’s expensive!’  The shark is very bright and shoots crazy sparkles as you move around it,  but the camera really can’t catch the light display, at least, not in my hands.  A little plastic deep-sea diver found on the beach is drafted onto the plaque, and I gussied him up a little with gold paint and fake emeralds.   But he is still kind of dirty and has sand stuck in his helmet. You may have originally thought the shark was smoking a cigarette, but look more closely and you’ll notice the diver’s arm is in the shark’s mouth.  The diver is bleeding fake rubies.  This is the only breen in existence that is signed with acrylic diamonds.  Nothing says elegance like a shiny, glittery breen, and since it is so expensive, you know it must be good!  I’m not putting this one up on Ebay – if you are interested in this piece shoot me an email and I’ll give you my Paypal info.

Extinct Birds

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Text says ‘Extinct birds eat out of Kitty’s hand! But Audubon wants all the seed for himself!’

This is one of the few paintings I’ve assaulted that I can definitely claim as an approvement! The prebreen subject looks melancholy and very unhappy locked into this painting. However, when I turned her into a cat-woman she perked right up! Meeooww!!! She already had one impossibly enormous hand, so I thought I’d make it matched set. I also gave her a big pile of bird seed to feed any extinct birds that were hanging around my brain. Swallow Tailed Audubon, however, being extinct himself, has worked up quite an appetite and wants all the seed for himself!

To buy this painting go HERE.

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Substandard Art

This one says ‘Warning! Substandard Art! This work must NOT be hung in a place of prominence!”
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This is a tiny painting I’ve had kicking around the studio for a while.  It appears to have been painted in a factory churn-it-out mode for island tourists, but honestly, I really have no idea where it originally came from.  I have always been impressed by how crappy a painting this is, and, as that crappiness is the work’s strongest suit, why not brag about it! This is a quicky, cerebral breen you can pick up for next to nothing – a good one for those just starting out on an ill-advised breen collection! You can hang it in your bathroom, under the stairs, in a kitchen cabinet, the garage – some place it is not too often seen!  Also, that way you’ll never get sick of it – every time you see it it will be like a new discovery.  “Hey, I forgot about that! Ha Ha! He wrote do ‘not hang in a place of prominence!’ and I didn’t!”

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Beauty Treatment

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Since I’ve listed this I’ve changed it already – breened myself so to speak! As I was writing up a Twitter entry I realized what I was writing should be in the painting itself! The main text I added says – ‘Halibut Face Entices Herring To Their Doom – But Is Really A Nice Person! The other text is tiny and hardly visible. It says “This end up!” on all sides, because it does not matter which way you turn this painting, any side works! I also signed this painting on all sides so you can hang it any way you want!

A fellow artist sent her own work to me to breen, and, as usual, it took me a couple of years to get to it. And after all that waiting, this is the horror I concocted! Well, can’t say she didn’t go in with eyes open! To see Anna’s work, unmolested, go here.

The first thing I envisioned was to create a thick ring of herring running around her face. But then I was stumped. Here is where divine inspiration usually comes in to help me finish a piece, but not this time! While I was painting the herring I kept flipping the work and realized that no matter which side was facing up, it looked like its natural orientation. The face was the only thing interfering with this spin art effect. But I wanted to keep some part of the original painting, so that nixed a four mouthed cyclops. Naturally, the solution was to keep one eye and render a slightly cubist halibut face with features pointed every which way! Sometimes you just have to know when to stop!

My inability to know this point is my greatest strength and greatest weakness – that is – if you don’t count my inability to paint a cat to look like a cat.

To buy this painting, go here.

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Can be placed on any side!

Fun and Games

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Text on this one says ‘It’s all fun and games until the cave fish eats a mime!’ The original subject had cave fish pallor,  so I had a cave fish eat him.  Cirque Du Soliel type acrobats perform nearby.  But the show isn’t a hit as people can’t see what’s going on in the cave – it’s too dark!

This auction finishes on Christmas eve!  Buy YOURSELF a Christmas present for a change! An inoffensive breen, unless you’re a mime, in which case you are saying, “Et tu Eddie?”

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Curing Art

Painting is 24"X20", acrylic on oil or acrylic canvasboard, painted over an existing painting. Text says, ‘Nurse Nancy Doesn’t Know Art…But She Knows How To Cure It!’ Also, ‘Art Morgue, Room for 1 more honey!’This kind of painting would usually fall under the umbrella of quirky portraits I would not touch, being pretty perfect as is – but the vast yawning spaces of brown around her proved too enticing! I goof on post modern art and do a pretty good copy of a sick pirate (draw for talent test!) from The Art Instruction Schools. Also note the Twilight Zone reference(often haunting my works) and an Ozymandias self-portrait at the bottom.

This painting is already sold.

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Don’t Fear The Future!

But I can’t help it – I am afraid! Obama will save us…right? This is the 3rd of my New Depression Art Commodity paintings – the PREBREEN of this work was corrupted in my camera, and never made it out alive. This was a painting of a boy and his puppy. The puppy’s eye still exists untouched within the green creature. This painting is about the future, trust, and inevitability. First step in this painting this was to decutesify the puppy. It kept nipping at me until I had it Halloweened in a monster suit, until all it could do was stare out accusingly with its clear, sad, Bassett eye. Then I put an Obama in with a halo, and asked – what the hell are you going to say to this kid? Obama said not to fear the future, and you want to trust him, but things are so up and down – the kid has this look on this face, like maybe we should be watching out for him, maybe he is the monster, but he has this nifty ‘trust me’ tattoo. There is a magic-8 ball in a fang crowded mouth that partially says, ‘cannot predict now’. In honor of the New Year, I painted confetti and the Times Square countdown ball as my head about to explode. I used to have a lot of fun on New Years Eve, but as I don’t have lots left to look forward to as I did in my 20s, I find the weepy auld land syne more a harbinger of doom than a cause for celebration!

BUY THIS BREEN!

Barbara

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Text says,‘Barbara was arrested by God for bearing the Anti-Christ…but as an enemy combatant, she was not allowed a lawyer!’Acrylic on oil? on canvas about 20″X16″.