Your Hidous Baby Is Adorable!


When my son was born, his still bloody squalling wrinkled body was put in my hands, and it was as if a switch was pulled in my brain. An instant surging electric connection! I thought then he was the most beautiful thing on this planet. After getting back from the hospital, my wife and I would take every opportunity to shove our 10 pounds of poop smelling heaven under the nose of every adult that came within range, eager to share the beauty of our creation. Yes! Our DNA made that beautiful thing! What a miracle! Women would fawn over him,. Men, a little more standoffish, couldn’t they see what I saw, that this brilliant baby Jesus thing was so pure and golden you just wanted to weep for joy whenever the thought of Him even entered your mind!

Of course, I shook it off eventually. We found some photos of Little Breen’s just born visage the other day, and I had trouble reconciling the memory I had with the reality of the photo. Because he was, well, hideous. In certain countries of this world the father, seeing the imperfection and not wishing to offend God, would unceremoniously take the child out back and drown him in the well. I realized that either our friends were just humoring us when Baby Breen was born, although many women seem to be vastly more susceptible to baby voodoo than men. And though Mrs. Breen concurred that our son did not, in these photos, appear to be as cute as we had thought at the time, she will still coo like a pigeon when a new born enters the room. I slink to a corner trying to hide my horror of the newly minted monster.

When I found this giggling painting in the flea market last week, I decided to unmask it, and bring out its true nature. The original background, painted in dark orange, reddish, brown had a kind of hellish look, so I kept much of it. This is not a baby you would shake. It would only make it angry. You don’t want to make this baby angry. The painting was a little too harsh so I added some flowers to lighten the mood!

Of course, you know I’m just kidding. YOUR baby is beautiful!


To buy this painting go HERE.

Don’t Fear The Future!

But I can’t help it – I am afraid! Obama will save us…right? This is the 3rd of my New Depression Art Commodity paintings – the PREBREEN of this work was corrupted in my camera, and never made it out alive. This was a painting of a boy and his puppy. The puppy’s eye still exists untouched within the green creature. This painting is about the future, trust, and inevitability. First step in this painting this was to decutesify the puppy. It kept nipping at me until I had it Halloweened in a monster suit, until all it could do was stare out accusingly with its clear, sad, Bassett eye. Then I put an Obama in with a halo, and asked – what the hell are you going to say to this kid? Obama said not to fear the future, and you want to trust him, but things are so up and down – the kid has this look on this face, like maybe we should be watching out for him, maybe he is the monster, but he has this nifty ‘trust me’ tattoo. There is a magic-8 ball in a fang crowded mouth that partially says, ‘cannot predict now’. In honor of the New Year, I painted confetti and the Times Square countdown ball as my head about to explode. I used to have a lot of fun on New Years Eve, but as I don’t have lots left to look forward to as I did in my 20s, I find the weepy auld land syne more a harbinger of doom than a cause for celebration!