Crabby Money

Text on this one says ‘New Depression Art Commodity!’ and ‘This art is better because it’s expensive!’ This is part of a series of New Depression Art Commodities I’ve made over the years. This particular piece was for sale in an art show at Nina’s Nook in Turners Fall, but did not sell for the outlandish price I had it listed for. However, as this is designed as money, to perhaps one day be traded for your life at a mutant manned roadblock as you try to make your way to the northlands where the government provides free healthcare, cheese and all the ice cream you can eat, I think any price is worth it, don’t you? Think of it – this 400 million year old life form evolved to the point that I would find it’s shell on the beach, pick it up and glue pieces of sparkly plastic to it in a completely arrogant attempt to improve the WORK OF GOD! And in that, I think I’ve been successful! even if my thick fingers did leave a print on a few of the jewels! Never offered for sale on Ebay before…

Starting at a penny!


Threats and Presents


When Ann brought this home from the flea market, my first impression was that this was just an angry big eye painting – maybe a copy of a 16th or 17th century work. After awhile, it began to bug me that it was glowering at me. There is a simmering tension in the face, intensely cold, with deadpan eyes that nevertheless somehow convey anger. When you drop your gaze to the mouth, then back up to the eyes, the expression fleetingly appears to flit between seriousness and amusement, but it could just be your own mind playing tricks. Maybe he was joking after all, like the Joe Pesci character in Goodfellas, ‘you think I’m funny? I’m here to amuse you?’As you move about the room, the eyes follow, hammering you with disapproval!  This tension is palpable – a personal warning to the viewer!

So I threw a nun’s habit on him to see what he would do about it.  He tried to leap out of the painting to get at me, so I knew I was pushing his buttons! To jack the tension up even more I gave him an Uncle Sam style pointing finger and and arm cocked with a piece of flaming coal.  This effectively turned him into an avenging transvestite Christmas angel so I wrote -’ Have you been good this year?’ ‘I will only hurl this coal at your head if YOU feel you deserve it!’ This puts the ball in the viewers court and makes the painting all about them.  Makes them the decision maker.  DO you deserve to have the coal flung your way? I also wrote -‘Well do ya punk?’

I softened the edges with Christmas iconography just enough, so that you can get out of the room unscathed, that is, if you exit walking backwards with your eyes on the painting, because you know, if you take your eyes off, that cocked arm is going to let loose and it’s aim will be dead on.

Click on the link below this painting if you want to see a long-winded video deconstructing the piece.


To buy this painting on Ebay, go HERE.
To see a long-winded video describing my thought process while painting this piece, go HERE.

Breenish Bling



Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to me!

This is the blingiest breen ever, a wooden fish on a wooden plaque framed by GOLD painted rope and infested with acrylic JEWELS, requiring three trips to Michaels and A.C. Moore for the fake DIAMONDS.  It took a long time to glue those little gems, but the result is well worth the effort!  This the rare one that Mrs. Breen wants to keep, and she can have it! That is, if she can come up with my $1000 asking price – I’ll give her first dibs!  The text on this 25″X10″ breenousity says ‘This art is better…because it’s expensive!’  The shark is very bright and shoots crazy sparkles as you move around it,  but the camera really can’t catch the light display, at least, not in my hands.  A little plastic deep-sea diver found on the beach is drafted onto the plaque, and I gussied him up a little with gold paint and fake emeralds.   But he is still kind of dirty and has sand stuck in his helmet. You may have originally thought the shark was smoking a cigarette, but look more closely and you’ll notice the diver’s arm is in the shark’s mouth.  The diver is bleeding fake rubies.  This is the only breen in existence that is signed with acrylic diamonds.  Nothing says elegance like a shiny, glittery breen, and since it is so expensive, you know it must be good!  I’m not putting this one up on Ebay – if you are interested in this piece shoot me an email and I’ll give you my Paypal info.

Extinct Birds


Text says ‘Extinct birds eat out of Kitty’s hand! But Audubon wants all the seed for himself!’

This is one of the few paintings I’ve assaulted that I can definitely claim as an approvement! The prebreen subject looks melancholy and very unhappy locked into this painting. However, when I turned her into a cat-woman she perked right up! Meeooww!!! She already had one impossibly enormous hand, so I thought I’d make it matched set. I also gave her a big pile of bird seed to feed any extinct birds that were hanging around my brain. Swallow Tailed Audubon, however, being extinct himself, has worked up quite an appetite and wants all the seed for himself!

To buy this painting go HERE.


Beauty Treatment


Since I’ve listed this I’ve changed it already – breened myself so to speak! As I was writing up a Twitter entry I realized what I was writing should be in the painting itself! The main text I added says – ‘Halibut Face Entices Herring To Their Doom – But Is Really A Nice Person! The other text is tiny and hardly visible. It says “This end up!” on all sides, because it does not matter which way you turn this painting, any side works! I also signed this painting on all sides so you can hang it any way you want!

A fellow artist sent her own work to me to breen, and, as usual, it took me a couple of years to get to it. And after all that waiting, this is the horror I concocted! Well, can’t say she didn’t go in with eyes open! To see Anna’s work, unmolested, go here.

The first thing I envisioned was to create a thick ring of herring running around her face. But then I was stumped. Here is where divine inspiration usually comes in to help me finish a piece, but not this time! While I was painting the herring I kept flipping the work and realized that no matter which side was facing up, it looked like its natural orientation. The face was the only thing interfering with this spin art effect. But I wanted to keep some part of the original painting, so that nixed a four mouthed cyclops. Naturally, the solution was to keep one eye and render a slightly cubist halibut face with features pointed every which way! Sometimes you just have to know when to stop!

My inability to know this point is my greatest strength and greatest weakness – that is – if you don’t count my inability to paint a cat to look like a cat.

To buy this painting, go here.

Can be placed on any side!

Fun and Games


Text on this one says ‘It’s all fun and games until the cave fish eats a mime!’ The original subject had cave fish pallor,  so I had a cave fish eat him.  Cirque Du Soliel type acrobats perform nearby.  But the show isn’t a hit as people can’t see what’s going on in the cave – it’s too dark!

This auction finishes on Christmas eve!  Buy YOURSELF a Christmas present for a change! An inoffensive breen, unless you’re a mime, in which case you are saying, “Et tu Eddie?”





Text says,‘Barbara was arrested by God for bearing the Anti-Christ…but as an enemy combatant, she was not allowed a lawyer!’Acrylic on oil? on canvas about 20″X16″.

happy people


I thought I took a before photo of this, but I can’t find it. Text says,‘I see happy people!’Acrylic on oil? on canvas about 24″X20″.

We had a few families over on the 4th of July and after awhile a few of the kids migrated to my easel. They asked if they could paint, and always ready to steal ideas from kids, I asked what they would do to the sad lady on canvas. Within a moment or two, they came up with “I see happy people!”

Brilliant! Of course!

Now, I’ve already worked this joke with a Jesus portrait, “I see dead people.” But I could see how well this worked with the subject’s sad countenance, and as I was slightly drunk by then, I offered them half of what I could get on Ebay for the idea. MONEY? FOR IDEAS? They were in.

However, another problem arose. My 6 year old son, usually quite oblivious to my renderings, was abnormally sensitive to the few smiley faces the girls had painted. He became quite upset, as though being threatened by an evil clown, and I had to remove the painting to the top of the hutch while he jumped at my arms, trying to destroy the offending work! Yikes! What a critic! Usually he yawns at my monstrosities,but expose him to a few smiley faces and he FREAKS OUT!

Maybe my son is into something here, the tension and terror of the smile! Though I tried to hide the painting, tonight he saw the picture on my computer and knows what’s going on. Right now, as I write this, this very moment, my son is running amok with a pencil stabbing a piece of paper, saying this is what the painting is going to look like after he gets his hands on it. “DADDY! I AM GOING TO DESTROY THAT PAINTING!!!” He just said this! I have to lock it in the office to keep it from harm. TIME FOR BED DAMMIT! YOU ARE NOT TOUCHING THAT PAINTING! DAD MAKES GOOD MONEY FROM SELLING HIS ART! WHERE DO YOU THINK THE MONEY COMES FROM TO BUY YOUR CANDY AND TOYS!!!! Whew!.

To bid on this painting, go here.